Living on the Edge

For lack of a better phrase, I’ve been having a bit of an identity crisis.  Just a bit of one, though!  No need for concerned emails.  (Mom, I’m looking at you.)

I suppose I’ve been living at the edge of one for years.  It started in high school, when I realized that no matter how much I might consider Hawaii to be my home, I will never look like I was born in Hilo.  In France I remained an outsider, first as the obvious American, then as the person who could pass as European but would always feel like she was, to a certain extent, observing rather than participating.  Returning to Hawaii didn’t change things much, since my life experiences had so drastically changed from those of most of my peers.  Going to college meant spending time with people of similar goals and education, but I’m never going to feel like I am completely integrated into the culture of Western Massachusetts.  (It’s the hugging thing.  To hell with WASPishness, I need physical contact!)

In Oman it’s not much of a surprise that I feel the same way.  No one will ever mistake me for an Omani-born citizen, no matter how well I can wrap a head-scarf or how good my Arabic could get.  At the same time, I don’t see myself as a garden-variety expat, or even like some other exchange students.  After living with an Omani family and making such a study of the culture, when I see westerners behaving in a way that completely ignores the conservative values I’m coming to respect it makes me cringe.  Seeing anyone’s knees at the mall, for example, has turned into something that my classmates and I point out and discuss in hushed tones.  Heaven forfend we see tourists drinking or being romantically affectionate in public.

Honestly, I like feeling a little out of place.  It gives me a chance to observe, to think about the bigger picture, and early-high-school-poetry aside, it isn’t actually lonely.  Everywhere I’ve lived I’ve made amazing friends, from any of the cultural borderlands.  So when I get back to the states I’m going to wear a sundress, fix myself a gin and tonic, and reminisce about all the great parts of Oman.  The view is better from the edge, anyway.